My Independence Day

I just had to write something before I scream. I am too nice and I keep having hope in someone that I don't think has any good left in him. I have been so stupid the past couple of weeks. I was talking to a girl that was in one of my group counseling classes and she told me that she went back to her abusive husband THREE times!!!! I could not for the life of me understand that!!!! But about three weeks ago my ex approached me all nice and caring and told me that he wanted to be my friend for our children's sake and that he wanted to put our problems in the past and move on. I was so happy, I actually thought the Lord was actually answering one of my many prayers. Maybe he has changed, maybe what he did to me actually opened his eyes to the fact that he NEEDED to change. But of course, that was not his true prerogative and I was just being naive and thinking that he was really trying to do this for our children. He told me tonight that he deserved to have a second chance with me. I told him that was stupid and he didn't deserve anything from me. With that he started to yell and curse at me and told me that I was making him angry, ME, and that I was going to make him do something stupid. RIGHT THEN, my mind flew to the past, the HUNDREDS of times I have heard that same excuse for him loosing his temper. The excuse that I had MADE him angry, I made him get so upset, If I had just listened to him better he wouldnt have done what he had to do to me. I felt helpless and ashamed at first and just wanted to cry and then my strong side that has been through hell and back in the past year realized what he was doing and I got really angry! I told him that we could no longer attempt to be friends and that we just needed to do what was best for the children.
A few months ago I could not for the life of me understand why this woman in my class had gone back to her ex so many times. But tonight I realized that just after THREE weeks of Brian being back in my life somewhat he had me doubting myself and letting him gain some control over me. Urg, that's all I can really say is urg. People keep telling me that I should have seen it coming and that I cant expect more from Brian, but I can. I should be able to expect more from the father of my children. I guess I figured out today that he will never change and I have to stop having faith that he will make the changes that he needs to to become a better father and person. Anyway, just had to rant!!!!!